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Untuk Wanita yang Ingin Aku Halalkan, Semoga Kita Jodoh yang Ditakdirkan Tuhan

via pexels.com

Tak ada yang lebih indah dari sebuah rasa cinta yang berakhir dengan bahagia. Tak ada yang lebih luar biasa dari sebuah nafsu yang terjaga. Tak ada yang lebih pahit dari sebuah ucapan perpisahan dari orang yang kita sayangi. Tak ada yang lebih menakutkan dari rasa yang tak biasa masuk ke dalam jiwa tanpa diduga, padahal kita tak menginginkannya, Cinta.

Awal dari hal yang tak biasa adalah bersikap biasa. Dengan sedikit menyisipkan bumbu canda, berbagi tawa,  nyaman ketika bersama, Binggo! Seketika rasa suka menyelinap dalam jiwa. Tanpa aku reka, bayanganmu terlintas secara nyata.

Sikapmu yang penuh perhatian, tulus tanpa memikirkan sebuah balasan, semakin membuatku candu untuk berjumpa denganmu. Tutur kata yang terjaga, seolah kamu memang orang yang pantas aku jaga. Parasmu memang tak terlalu cantik, namun cukup untuk membuat para lelaki bajingan yang sudah memiliki pasangan untuk melirik. Kamu memiliki nilai sempurna dari seluruh aspek penilaianku.

Namun,

Yang paling aku takuti adalah kita saling mencintai tanpa tahu apa yang akan terjadi di kemudian hari. Selalu ada yang “disakiti” ketika dua insan saling “mencintai” dan aku tak ingin itu semua terjadi.

Jujur saja, aku tak ingin melukai seorang hati wanita, Lagi.

Aku takut kehilangan kamu, namun ketakutan yang lebih dari itu adalah aku belum tahu akan mengajakmu kearah mana. Jangankan melamarmu, melamar pekerjaan saja aku belum mampu.

Ingin rasanya sejenak membuang rasa ini, membiarkannya mati. Biar saja kita tidak saling mengenal jika akhirnya ini semua hanya menjadi aral. Aku berharap apa yang dulu pernah kita mulai segera usai, bila akhirnya terjadi konflik mendalam di dalam lubuk hati.

Sering aku membaca perihal getirnya menutupi rasa sakit hati, dengan sebuah alibi “itu semua kulakukan demi cinta”. Apakah semua orang yang merasakan jatuh cinta menggunakan alibi itu untuk menutupi perihnya hati? apakah cinta yang selama ini aku anggap sebagai tempat berbagi hanya perisai dari sakit hati yang sebenarnya terjadi?.

via pexels.com

Semoga kamu bisa mengerti keteguhan hatiku ini, “berusaha membuatmu halal sampai mati, lebih baik ketimbang membahagiakanmu dengan semu setiap hari.”

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About Riza D. Januar

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